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AGE GAP! A BARRIER TO MARRIAGE?  

One of the thorny issues young ladies face in considering a man for marriage is the age difference between herself and her prospective husband. In reality, there are instances where the man proposing marriage is younger than the lady in question or in the same peer group as her. There is another instance where the man proposing marriage to the lady in question is many years older than her. The big question, therefore, is what is the most appropriate age gap that must exist between a lady and her prospective husband? 

It is common knowledge that in most ethnic groups in Africa and for that matter Ghana, the expectation is that a man marries a relatively younger lady.  It will be observed that in the pre-colonial era, the age gap was not really an issue. Marriage could be polygamous and a man could happily marry two or more women of varied age groups and generations so long as the youngest was not a minor per the customary law.   

The age gap was not an issue worth considering for a woman who was practically hurled into marriage in the pre-colonial era. Indeed, marriage was strictly an agreement between families and once a lady’s family had agreed for her to marry a man from a particular family or clan, she really had no choice but to oblige 

The age gap was not a factor worth considering in marriage because women were practically baby-makers. Their children became the workforce on their father’s farms or were actively involved in their father’s trade. Wives were restricted to the domestic sphere and had no business in the public domain. Indeed, women had little or no status and identity of their own and therefore existed in the shadows of their husbands. Marriage was mostly endured and when they became widows they go back to their father’s village or live with their adult children. 

 The twenty-first Century woman especially in the age of urbanisation, globalisation, education and equality of opportunities has nothing in common with the woman of the pre-colonial or colonial era. Formerly, a father finds a husband for her daughter and then informs her daughter to prepare for marriage, but in the 21st Century, a lady will find a husband and then inform the father to prepare to present her to her prospective husband in marriage. Women now have total control of the choices they make including marriage.  

Regardless of the freedom and independence of a successful and accomplished woman of the 21st Century, one of her biggest challenges is conforming to Societal expectations.  The same society that had no qualms over an older man marrying a younger lady has changed drastically over time. It is now strange according to Society to see a woman get married to an older man. The age gap is considered reasonable when both couples are peers or if the man is older than the woman between five to ten years. Usually, when the age gap is above ten years, relatives and friends turn to question the lady about her choice and at best try to dissuade her. It is becoming abnormal for a young independent woman to marry a man ten or more years older than her.  Due to the changes in society, some carrier and professional women remain single in their late thirties and early forties. Their male counterparts or peers usually find them less attractive and as such turn to younger ladies who are in their mid-twenties to early thirties.

In as much as I agree that marriage is a union between two families in Africa and for that matter Ghana, marriage fundamentally is between a man and a woman. It is, for this reason, the Bible acknowledges “that a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” (Genesis 2:24-25).  From the foregoing, we can conclude that marriage is fundamentally between an adult man and an adult woman.  If two independent adults wish to marry each other regardless of their age gap should that really be a concern for society? Is it morally wrong for an adult woman to accept a marriage proposal from a man who might be more than ten years older than her? These are hard questions for society and third parties but not for the old man and the young woman who have fallen in love with each other.  

It is in the nature of human beings to have convictions based on their experiences. A young woman who might have had a number of failed relationships with her male peers may finally meet an older man who possesses all the qualities she had ever yearned for but for the age gap between her and the older man. Should the age gap be the overarching consideration over the qualities of the man in question? Should the age gap influence her decision to overlook the qualities that make marriage enjoyable?  What is intrinsically wrong with a person’s age for which he is found to be unfit to marry a lady who wholeheartedly loves him and has accepted him regardless of the age gap?  

I conclude by postulating that, a lady who finds love, respect, wisdom and spiritual maturity in an older man regardless of the age difference can marry him if only she loves him unconditionally. The caveat however is that love does not expire but age does. Love has no limit but our physical conditions do have limits. The physical attractions, sex life and ailment associated with ageing are going to be the price a younger woman will pay for deciding to marry an older man. There may come a time when her social life will be curtailed because she has to play the role of a nurse when it becomes impossible for the aged fellow to carry himself. The likelihood of becoming a premature widow is also a reality that must be embraced while she takes the decision to marry an older man. There is nothing in the Bible that makes it immoral or sinful for a young lady to marry a man who is far older than her. Society will always have its perceptions but the perceptions of society do not always lead to the fulfilment of peoples’ aspirations and satisfaction. 

Jean-Paul Agidi (Rev)