One of the compelling reasons people hurriedly get married is because the lady is pregnant. Most African cultures and Christian teachings frown on premarital sex and pregnancy before marriage. In some societies, single ladies who are pregnant are abhorred by their family members for bringing dishonor and shame to the family. In the church, such pregnant ladies are unable to attend church services and are shunned by their Christian friends for being immoral. The dilemma is, should a Christian man and woman get married while the woman is pregnant? In some instances, to avoid public ridicule and embarrassment parents of a pregnant lady will insist that the man who got their daughter pregnant should marry her before the church and society have knowledge of the pregnancy. On a lighter note, when the time is due for a woman to give birth during her marriage, there are people who are able to calculate months and days to determine whether or not the pregnancy came before or after the wedding of the couple. Interesting!
The first issue we need to look at is love and relationship. The reality although not the ideal Christian practice is that some Christian single men and women who are in a love relationship do engage in premarital sex. The obvious outcome is pregnancy. Under this circumstance, the two people come to an agreement to get married because they love each other and have the desire to live together as husband and wife. There are some churches that will punish both the man and woman for engaging in premarital sex and even punish the woman for getting pregnant before marriage. However, the big question is should the church allow such a marriage when it is clear that the woman is pregnant? In other words, should a couple’s marriage ceremony be delayed because the lady is pregnant? I personally think that when we reflect on 1 Peter 4:8 which says “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly since love covers a multitude of sins” we shall come to a conclusion that couples who love one another can be allowed to get married regardless of the fact that the lady is pregnant. Love covers a multitude of sins means forgiving an offender and not counting his or her sin against him or her. That which brought about the pregnancy is sin but that sin can be covered and made aright when the couples earnestly love one another and desire to do the will of God by entering into holy matrimony. Fore the tact the man and the woman love one another and desire to live together as husband and wife, I do not think they should be prevented from observing the necessary customary and legitimate marriage rites to achieve their already envisaged dream to live together as husband and wife but for the pregnancy.
The second issue we need to avert our minds to is that, where there was no prior love relationship and the pregnancy come as a result of the recklessness of the man and woman involved, we must proceed with caution. There are instances a man clearly does not love the lady but is responsible for her pregnancy. Although this is a double agony for the pregnant lady, it is in her best interest to stay single and have her baby delivered while the man responsible for her pregnancy takes care of her and the unborn child. It is not a prudent and fruitful decision to force the man to marry the lady. If a man is forced to marry a lady he does not love but has impregnated, the following ramifications may occur; The lady will be maltreated or abused by the man; She may never have the opportunity to experience a happy marriage; She will end up being divorced after she has given birth sooner or later. It is better for the pregnant lady to stay with her parents or stay away from the man, give birth, and if indeed the man loves her, he will come and ask for her hand in marriage for the proper marriage rites to be performed. It is also important to consider the personal decision of the lady to accept or reject the man’s offer of marriage during pregnancy or after she has given birth. She knows best the kind of man she desires as a husband although she has been impregnated by the one proposing marriage to her. Similarly, a man should not also rush to marry a woman he has impregnated if he is not emotionally committed to her. Again, a man should not be forced to marry a lady he has impregnated although the lady would become his responsibility in terms of her upkeep and welfare during the time of pregnancy.
Parents must not sacrifice the dignity and happiness of their pregnant daughter on the altar of family name and pride. Pushing a lady into an unhappy marriage because she is pregnant is suicidal and amounts to double jeopardy. The unwanted pregnancy with its associated issues are enough consequences of her reckless action. She would have to deal with these consequences and learn her lessons. In such a situation she needs family support and not rejection and chastisement. “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.” (John 8:7-11)
In sum, getting married because of pregnancy calls for a personal retrospection of the two parties involved. If there is genuine love and intention to live as husband and wife then they may go ahead to marry without any hindrance from the church or society but where the pregnancy came about as a result of the recklessness of the parties involved or from an attempt to satisfy their sexual hunger but nothing more then parents and the lady in question must tread cautiously. It is advised that the lady must stay single even as she receives support from the man who impregnated her till such a time that both parties are fully convinced they love one another and desire to live together as husband and wife. In the absence of such intentions, a lady must not be forced into marriage because of pregnancy. God still has a purpose for her life after childbirth. An unhappy marriage may cripple her future aspirations, growth, and development. Parents and guardians are encouraged by the words of Paul when he wrote that “bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. (Colossians 3:13-14). Please note that this blog is by no means encouraging pre-marital sex and pregnancy before marriage but attempts to discuss the reality and challenges of Christians who encounter a situation where pregnancy becomes a compelling reason for marriage. Shalom.
Jean-Paul Agidi (Rev)
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